From “To Marry or To Burn”

So, everyone’s been lecturing me on how I can’t possibly be old enough to get married, and how I should wait until I’m a hundred and ten or so. Well, it’s the story of my life is that I can never think of a good argument in the heat of the moment. So I guess, it’s a good thing I read Focus on the Family’s webzine, boundless.com, isn’t it? I don’t think I could have argued it any better, so I’ll leave it to Professor Theophilus. lol.

Then when do you think people are mature enough to get married? At 25, as John Stott suggests? Stott is a wise Christian and deserves more than a casual dismissal, so let’s slow down, drop the Q & A, and consider all the angles.

One important point is that the age at which people are mature enough to take on the responsibilities of marriage is not, as Stott suggests, a constant of human nature. In our day people not only take longer to get married but take longer to become responsible; that’s one of the things that worries me. Many of my own generation still haven’t grown up. If people aren’t yet mature enough for marriage until 25, then my first question is “Why aren’t they?” We should also pause to consider how people become mature. It simply is not the case that first men and women become mature, then they take on responsibilities. Rather, only after they begin taking on responsibilities do they become mature. Responsibility itself is transformative.

I suspect that Stott may also have underestimated the enormous — and unnatural — strain which is brought about by the discrepancy between the age at which human beings reach biological or procreative maturity, and the age at which they reach what he considers a sufficient emotional maturity for marriage. For those who do not have the gift of celibacy, as he does, this strain is an enormous temptation to sexual impurity, and the aftereffects of sexual impurity undermine even those marriages which do eventually take place. Yet the strain is largely avoidable; younger people than in our society have been building successful marriages for thousands of years. True, the ridiculous length of time during which we keep people idle in order to educate them makes youthful marriages more difficult to manage economically today than in former ages. That problem is nothing to take lightly, but there are ways of dealing with it. Besides, we should adapt the educational system to human nature, rather than expecting human nature to adapt to the educational system. (While we’re at it we might look into why the age of puberty keeps dropping, but that is another story.)

Finally, I disagree with Stott’s apparent assumption that people shouldn’t marry until they can be sure they won’t experience any more great changes. (“To marry before this runs the risk of finding yourself at 25 married to somebody who was a very different person at the age of 20.”) He is a far better man than I, but in this matter too I think his perspective may be limited by his lack of direct experience with marriage. My reasons for thinking so are threefold. In the first place, marriage itself is normally one of the greatest causes of change. It shatters and reassembles two people into a single organism with two personalities. If you marry at 20, then you ought to be very different persons at 25 — both of you! But the older people become, the harder it is for them to yield to this transformation; the more nearly they have finished their changes, the harder it is for them to change.

In the second place, closely bonded married couples tend to change together, precisely because of their union. My wife and I abandoned Christ together, to our sorrow, and returned to Him together, to our joy; although we did not change identically, our influence on each other in both stages was profound. Changing together toward good — not in unison, but in counterpoint, like a Bach sonata — is part of the challenge, and, if I may say it, the romance, of marriage.

In the third place, significant change is not finished at 25, but continues throughout life. The periods of greatest personal change for me and my wife have included the first few years after marriage at 19 and the first few years after childbirth at 21 — but also the first few years after conversion in our early 30’s. Some Western cultures didn’t regard young people as mature until the age of 35 or so. In some ways they were right to think that way; the capacity to bear certain responsibilities develops quite late. But it isn’t necessary to be mature enough to lead one’s country just to get married and have kids. After all, it isn’t like exploring Mars, breathing with gills or flapping our arms to fly. We were made for it; it belongs to the human design.

That being said, so there.

I’m thankful for…

all the people who are lecturing me about my relationship/engagement/marriage. Thanks guys. It’s nice to know all of you guys care. Like, seriously. It’s actually REALLY appreciated. I could use a good lecture here and there (and everywhere).

December 24, 2007

I’m officially ENGAGED!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Merry Christmas to ME… lol. Okay, now I have to set up house in San Diego, get settled, and plan a wedding. Cool. I got this…. = P Yay me!

Thoughts For The Day

a) I hate it when people I expect a lot from disappoint me. I expect the stupid people to do stupid shit. The rest of you? You’d better be walking the straight and narrow…. lol.

b) Concept: whether anyone likes it or not, goal in life; do what everyone else does, in high heels and a skirt, do it twice as well, and make it look easy. Watch me. You’ll never see me sweat.

I’m afraid

that the amount of insult and burden and pain that a woman must bear is nearly inhuman. I wonder how every great woman has done it and gone on to be more terrible and ever graceful in her existence yet. I admire the woman who smiles in all this adversity.

And another thought; whoever started telling kids that it doesn’t matter what people think of you must have been an American, and was obviously an idiot. Anyone who believes that, obviously doesn’t have a sufficient grasp of reality.

“A good name is more to be desired than great wealth, and to be respected is better than silver and gold.” Proverbs 22:1

“Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will stand before kings; He will not stand before obscure men.” Proverbs 22:29

Stick THAT in your juice box and suck it….. [saith the Lord....]

Packing…

….blows. lol. I hate it. So much crap. I want to just throw it all away and buy new stuff when I get there (I KNOW. Bad idea). I’m so over this. I really am throwing away tons of stuff though. I don’t have the patience for it. AT ALL.

Excitement!!!!

Okay, so Bruce and I are going to go to The Rock Church in San Diego (therocksandiego.org) with Sheri and Olivia and Bradyn when we move and I am SOOO excited. They’re like, the perfect combination of Sandals and The Rock Church San Bernardino. They’ve got hardcore small groups, so many activity groups, so much stuff to get involved in, hardcore praise and worship and soooo much more. The only downside is that they’re HUGE (like, bigger than the Rock San Bernardino), but I’m okay with that. Small groups. And they have premarital counseling, marriage mentors, marriage counseling and marriage small groups (yes, we’ll be at ALL of the above, heaven help us…). EEEKKKK!!!! Excitement just kicked in again….. yay us!!! I hope I like it so we can STAY.

HAHAHAHA

You know what’s funny? Stupid, jealous, *itchy little girls….lol.  I’m living happily ever after, kids, so stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT!

Ready, Set, BREATHE…

Okay. I’m breathing. But right now I’m frustrated. Right now I want to feel as secure as humanly possible, and I don’t. Right now I want to be sure as deodorant, and I’m sweating this BIG TIME. Right now I hate stupid, *itchy, lying little girls with nothing better to do than gossip. Right now, I just want everyone to be HONEST with me and tell me the stinking TRUTH. Right now I just want everything to go back to the way it was before we went on that stupid messed-up trip to San Diego. Right now I’m really happy I got to see Sheri and Olivia. But right now, even that’s not going to make me feel better. Stupid people.

Pressure point

So basically, the pressure is on. My name is Saidah Ali Wilson, and I’m 19 years old. I haven’t finished college, and I’m not sure how far I’m going to pursue my education. I’m aware that I have the capacity for quite a bit, academically, but I’m not sure that I want to test that limit. I have the capacity to be a career woman, but I’m not sure I have the heart for it. I’m getting married in less than a year. I’m most excited about being a wife and a mother. I am aware that due to the decisions I’ve made recently in my life, unforeseeable difficulties and sacrifices await me on the very near road ahead. I’m also aware that I can bail at any moment in the very near future.

But this is the kind of pressure I like.  I’m a gymnast. I don’t cave because it gets tough and it doesn’t feel good. I’m determined to do this. I know that this is right for me (a phenomenom in my life, for sure), and I’m determined not to lose this in a fit of madness. I know I’m a basket-case and I’ve met the man who loves me with a full understanding that he may spend the rest of his life standing between me and a mental hospital. This man has heard the wild stories about my life. He’s talked to my parents. I’ve written him off twice. I’ve been a bitch, I’ve been immature, I’ve been distant, I’ve been distracted…. and he’s still determined to chase after my wild heart and keep at least one of my feet on the ground.  So I know I’m making the best decisions I can possibly make for myself right now.

But here comes the pressure. It’s not like this is what most people would consider ideal. This is about as far from it as we can get. He’s 26, I’m 19. Neither of us have a degree. Both of us are going back to school. Both of us are looking for work right now. I’m not always wonderful with money, and right now he’s emptying his savings against better judgement. He’s white, I’m black. I’ve grown up with great expectations; he’s a country boy pulling himself up by his boot straps. The gap widens, believe me. And it’s not like it’ll be enough to pull ourselves by the skin of our teeth; we’ve got to pass this with flying colors.

This move to San Diego has to work. This wedding has to work. We have to make school work. We have to make our finances work. If we’re just barely making it, everyone’s going to say “oh, they could have done things differently and done so much better….” But this is what we want to do, and how we want to do it. So if it kills us, we have to pull this off.  We can’t backtrack. We can’t put a retraction in the paper.

I have grow the hell up, and establish credit, and get financially stable and be able to hold my own (with or without Bruce). I have to make my house a home and learn how to keep it and keep it clean. I have to plan my wedding and pull it off without looking like I’ve been to hell and back. I have to get my associates degree at least. I have live up to the Proverbs 31 Woman.

“A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
6 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”
And Bruce? Bruce needs to clean up his credit, and take on this HUGE leadership role. He has to get through school so he can have a career that will support our family as best as he can manage. He needs refinement, and he needs to hold his own and command respect…. 1 Timothy 3:2-7, 12 say that he

“must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church? He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap. A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.”

God, I’m so excited,but oh, we have so far to go…. God save us.