I am very

frustrated with Jon right now. I don’t understand anything he’s been doing for the past few months, and I feel bad, because I’m upset with him all the time. I’m starting to just not want to be around him at all. I’m sick of fighting with him, and arguing and disagreeing. I wish we could go back to the way everything was BEFORE we went out. I love him dearly, and I miss him being my best friend. He really was the best “best friend” anyone could ask for. I hate the way everything is now, and I don’t know if it’s him or if it’s me, but whatever it is, it needs to change. I don’t even like coaching at the same time as him anymore. I go to the gym, and if he’s there, I’m automatically uneasy. I know he’s sick of me, too. I know I piss him off, and I feel really, really bad. Idk. I HATE IT. THIS SUCKS.

I love…

how a guy will tell a girl just about ANYTHING he can think of to get what he wants. How interesting.

Aren’t you supposed to have SOMEONE?????

Isn’t everyone supposed to have SOMEONE? It’s NOT FAIR. Aren’t you supposed to get at least ONE PERSON?? Yes, I’m acting like a kindergardener, and you know what? I could care less. I’m pissed. I’m pissed at God, for God’s sake.

I feel trapped…

I don’t know where to go, or who to go to, or when, or how, or why… I hate everything about my life right now. NOTHING is even satisfactory. I’d like to be done with it frankly.

I’ve concluded…

….that I would like a home. And a family. And a purpose. I’m sick of living with people because I pay them money, and spending holidays with people who feel sorry for me, and doing things with other people’s friends, and having jobs that help other people do what they were meant to do, and, frankly, I’m sick of being apart of other people’s lives. I’d like, for once, to be selfish, and to have MY family, and MY house, and MY holidays, and MY friends, and be able to invite people into MY life. I would like a life to invite other people to share with ME. That being said, I HATE Thanksgiving and I hate Christmas, and New Years and Birthdays (mine and everyone else’s, frankly). And YES, I’M JEALOUS, so stick that in your juice box and SUCK IT.

P.S.

Yes, that was my Jr. High Moment.

PPS

Thank you, Rusk for taking me to see Fred Claus, even if I am depressed now, and even if you were lame for leaving poor Tristan at home, and even if you did drive your stupid, neapolitan, too-loud, wanna-be race-car….

What can be done…

yah, I know; I’ve been pretty melodramatic lately. But you know what? I’ve been pretty unhappy lately. But maybe I’m gaining some resolve in all this. I’ve decided….

-I’m not dating Bruce. Period. I love him to death, but it’s not going to happen.

-I’m going to RCC this winter spring.

-I’m going to get my Associates Degree for Early Childhood Education

-I’m going to teach preschool

-I’m moving. Soon.

-I’m not quitting acro yet.

-Just because someone doesn’t think I’m “worth it,” doesn’t mean they’re right. Frankly, maybe they’re not worth it.

-I’m going to get a car. I’m not sure how soon, and I’m not sure if I’m going to use it, and I know I don’t want it, but I’m going to buy it anyway.  I’m currently saving for it.

That’s it for now.

The new song for my life….

…until I figure out what it is….

There’s Gotta Be More To Life…

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let it go

There’s gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I’m…
Tripping out thinking there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure… there’s gotta be more
Than wanting more

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing
i’m wanting more
I’m always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin’ like there’s something I missed…..

-Stacie Orrico

I think…

that this is the story of my life. Not going to be okay. Loving and not being loved. Being loved and not knowing how to love back. Being paralyzed of making decisions for fear that I won’t even care about the same things ten minutes from now… Can’t sit still. Can’t think straight. Can’t focus on anything except gym, sometimes. Can’t love, can’t be loved. Think, exist. That’s it. What a reality. I’m freaking out. I need someone to keep me grounded.

I figured it out…

for those of you wondering what I’m looking for in a guy, I have news for you; I’m looking for the man strong enough to protect me from myself. I know. That’s a tall order. I doubt I’ll find him.